From Pain to Power: Healing Wounds from Your Inner Child through the Ancient Wisdom of Ho'oponopono
Your inner child is a part of your human psyche that remains full of innocence, awe, and wonder. When our inner child is healthy, and we are connected with them, we tend to be invigorated, inspired, and excited.
However, what happens when our inner child is wounded from past trauma or mistreatment, and we are out of touch with them? When we ignore the inner child in our psyche, as adults, we feel dark empty lost, and disconnected. We remain controlled by them, and their pain "haunts" us.
Inner children still hold enormous power over lives, and our relationships and are the lens through which adults make their decisions. They subtly but directly influence all that we do. This article will further explore the topic of the wounded or injured inner child, how these little beings can affect our adult selves.
What is an Inner Child?
The concept of the Inner Child emerged from a combination of psychoanalytic, psychodynamic, and humanistic approaches to therapy and personal development. Although it is not a formal psychological theory, it has become a valuable tool in therapy and personal growth.
Inner children are our selves when we were kids but they never had the opportunity to really grow up. They hold all the messages, memories, and emotions that we learned and experienced when we were naive, helpless, and dependent on our caregivers. Our inner child represents the emotional and experiential aspects of childhood that continue to influence an individual's emotions, behaviors, and relationships in adulthood.
Unfortunately, it is these inner children who also absorb all the negative and harmful words and actions of those who were supposed to keep us safe. Once wounded or misguided, these inner kids negatively influence who we are as adults
Why Is Healing the Inner Child so important?
People rarely have a clue of the subconscious wounds playing out in their lives. We're often living one or multiple painful situations but we don’t realize that those situations and the people involved are helping them heal deeper psychological patterns and subconscious programming that has been with them for a very long time, even multiple lifetimes).
Remember that your inner child deserves love, care, and the opportunity to thrive. By nurturing and healing our inner child, we can begin to
see the deeper psychological patterns in your life you hadn't noticed before
connect incidents that previously seemed unrelated
uncover subconscious programming
create life-altering transformation
unlock the potential for a happier and more fulfilling life
mend our broken or dysfunctional partnerships and other relationships
honor ourselves and others on a deep and profound level
The small, lost, and lonely parts of ourselves are afraid, anxious, and insecure, and that can make our lives miserable. However, there is hope. Inner child work, including self-parenting, can ease the pain and heal the wounds left behind by caregivers who were neglectful, abusive and toxic.
"The past is not dead; it is living in us, and will be alive in the future which we are now helping to make."
William Morris
Your Loved Inner Child
All children deserve to feel safe from harm and lack. They naturally crave, and need, unconditional love, respect, and comfort more than anything else. When children feel safe within the families they were born into, their boundaries are respected, and their needs are met they can grow to be secure, healthy adults.
There is so much security in feeling loved and seen in these particular ways:
Having someone invest their full undivided ATTENTION with us.
Having someone express AFFECTION towards us.
Having someone ATTUNE to our underlying feeling states.
Having someone look upon our efforts with ADMIRATION and awe.
Patterns and behaviors of a safe inner child:
Playfulness and Spontaneity: A safe inner child feels free to express joy, play, and engage in spontaneous activities without fear of judgment or criticism.
Trust and Openness: When the inner child feels safe, they are more likely to trust themselves and others. They can be open and vulnerable, forming healthy connections and relationships.
Curiosity and Exploration: The safe inner child exhibits a sense of curiosity about the world and a desire to explore and learn new things. They are open to new experiences and are not constrained by fear or anxiety.
Healthy Emotional Expression: A safe inner child is capable of expressing emotions healthily and authentically. They can identify and communicate their feelings effectively, without suppressing or denying them.
Self-esteem and Self-worth: The safe inner child possesses a healthy sense of self-esteem and self-worth. They believe in their abilities, feel deserving of love and respect, and have a positive self-image.
Independence and Autonomy: When the inner child feels safe, they can develop a sense of independence and autonomy. They are more likely to make decisions based on their own desires and needs, rather than seeking constant approval or validation from others.
"Healing your inner child is the key to healing your life."
Louise Hay
The Unsafe Messages Children Receive
Childhood trauma, where the child’s needs are not met physically, emotionally, or spiritually, destroys a child’s sense of security, causing them to become more fearful, assuming the world is a scary and dangerous place. When a child feels continually endangered, a massive gaping wound opens in their psyche that is so painful that many adults unknowingly repress it.
If a child is not loved for his essential self, their egocentricity sets in - i.e. “If my primary caregiver is having a bad day, it must be my fault.” Because of this, the child becomes inwardly anxious and hypervigilant, and develops an outward persona to preserve Mom’s happiness, because she is essential to the child’s survival.
Depending on the severity of the conditions, this process takes up a lot of emotional energy. It leaves no room for the child’s “true self” or “inner being” to emerge through normal play and other explorations.
The child may become arrested emotionally at any number of phases of development, and grow up to harbor what Bradshaw calls a “wounded inner child.”
Physical Neglect. Physical safety and nourishment are basic human needs that are to be given freely from caregivers to children. However, in the case of physical neglect, these rights are violated and are lacking. Unfortunately, physical neglect does not mean only that the child was kept from food and shelter. It could also mean there was a violation of their physical safety in the form of sexual abuse.
Emotional Neglect. In this type of neglect, a child’s caregiver does not show enough interest in the child’s emotional needs for support, respect, and love. In these cases, either the caregiver does not pay attention to or condemns any emotional expressions that the child might need.
Psychological Neglect. This kind of neglect occurs when the child’s caregivers fail to listen, nurture, and embrace the beautiful human beings that they are. This form of neglect includes any or all of the following:
Name-calling
Insults
Ridicule
Yelling
Gaslighting
Lack of privacy
Making overt threats
Words can hurt as severely as actions with some of the signals given to children leaving deep scars that can last a lifetime. Some of the actions and punishments that leave open wounds are:
Not allowing a child to have their own opinions
Discouragement from playing or having fun
Not allowed to display strong emotions
Punishing for speaking up
Continuously shaming by caregivers
Not allowing spontaneity
Was not given appropriate hugs, kisses, or cuddles
Regardless of the type, childhood neglect will manifest later in life in heartbreaking ways. In adulthood, this child (or collection of wounded inner children and their respective protective “parts”) may throw tantrums by demonstrating unhelpful , self-sabotaging or self-destructive behaviors.
Living in Fear
The root of all of these behaviors is to protect the EGO. They all stem from the desire, the NEED to be accepted. Thus the remedy is unconditional love - the feeling that you are accepted, recognized, and valued exactly as you are, imperfections and shortcomings, flaws and all.
A wounded inner child is still holding onto the limiting beliefs, narratives, and perceptions they formed in childhood. Their adult selves are ruled by false narratives and false perceptions, living in a constant state of anxiety, avoidance and FEAR. Fear of...
change
success
failure
rejection
betrayal
injustice
judgment
vulnerability
connection
discomfort
conflict
pain
embarrassment
abandonment
All of this manifests somatically in the most common and everyday conditions and behaviors we see in society. Unresolved wounds look a lot like chronic stress, mental illness, neuroses, mood disorders,or sickness.
In other words, when our bodies are in constant Fight, Flight, or Fawn mode, when our nervous systems are constantly dysregulated we suffer greatly, and therefore so do those around us.
Signs & Symptoms of A Wounded Inner Child
The harm done to your inner child is directly correlated with the ways you feel unsafe in the world. If you recognize yourself in many (not necessarily all) of the below-listed conditions or patterns, then there is a high chance that you have a wounded inner child.
“Your pain needs to be recognized and acknowledged. It needs to be acknowledged and then released. Avoiding pain is the same as denying it.”
Yong Kang Chan
Author John Bradshaw uses the acronym "CONTAMINATE" to describe how the wounded inner child might appear in adulthood. Below are some signs, symptoms, and signals that you have a wounded inner child.
Codependency
Offender behaviors
Narcissistic disorders
Trust issues
Acting out or acting in behaviors
Magical or delusional thinking
Intimacy dysfunctions
Non-disciplined behavior
Addictive and/or compulsive behaviors
Thought distortions
Emptiness, apathy, and depression
Additional patterns of an unsafe or wounded inner child result in the poor coping mechanisms and the following types of self-destructive behaviors:
Emotional Difficulties
Difficulty recognizing, managing intense emotions or expressing emotions authentically. This manifests as
Emotional confusion -Alexithymia, difficulty identifying and expressing emotions.
Emotional numbness - suppressing or repressing emotions with substances or denial, Avoiding or overcontrolling situations that trigger painful memories or unsafe emotions
Emotional reactivity or irritability - unpredictable mood swings, intense irrational outbursts
Emotional inauthenticity - hiding true feelings behind a facade, Overworking to avoid facing emotions,
Emotional disconnectedness- apathy, low empathy/insensitivity
Relational Difficulties
Difficulty identifying, expressing, or communicating personal needs or limits, as well as difficulty maintaining secure connections and attachments. This manifests as
Frequent interpersonal conflict
Toxic, unhealthy relationships
Insecurity - Being overly sensitive, easily offended or hurt, making negative assumptions about others intent
Judgementalness - jumping to conclusions, delusional reasoning
Resentment and Rage - rebellious, violent, disrespectful or aggressive behavior
Self-Isolating & Self-Protection - Being overly guarded, mistrustful, withdrawn, expecting harm, dissapointment or rejection from others, hyperindependence, not asking for help
Codependency - Being overly attached or clinging, prioritizing others needs
Denial and blame shifting - making excuses, avoiding taking responsibility or accountability for your own life.
Energetic Difficulties
Difficulty setting boundaries on one's time, energy, or values. This manifests as
People-Pleasing & Approval Seeking - Constantly seeking recognition, and validation from others, Prioritizing and overvaluing others' opinions and needs over their own, Overcommitting one's time or energy, Poor boundaries - saying yes to everything
Perfectionism & Overachieving - setting impossibly high standards, Being overly structured, or serious and putting unnecessary pressure in life, over-delivering, Being overly rigid or uncompromising
Overworking & Overfunctioning- Hypervigilance, hyper independence, hyper-productivity, burnout
Overanalysis & Overthinking - ruminating thoughts,
Avoidance or Inaction, Procrastination - Having trouble starting or finishing tasks or projects, staying in the comfort zone, requiring predictability, Aversion to risk or uncertainty,
Materialism & Overconsumption - Scarcity mindset, lack mentality, hoarding, overspending, overaccumulating, binge-watching
Attention Deficit & Impulsivity - procrastination, distractibility, disorientation, brain bog, poor focus, poor concentration, unproductivity, executive dysfunction, short attention span, poor self-control, impatience
Dysfunction or Disorders - eating disorders, sexual dysfunction, self-harm, insomnia/sleep disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder
Mental Conditions - severe depression, anxiety disorders, addiction/substance abuse
Physical Illness- disease, fatigue, insomnia, chronic pain, brain fog, memory loss, panic attacks, fertility/reproductive issues
Identity Difficulties
Low self-esteem and self-worth. A deep sense of inadequacy and insecurity - feeling unworthy or undeserving of love, happiness, attention, or success. Disordered beliefs about self.- perceiving oneself as flawed or broken. This manifests as
Self-criticism - having a harsh inner critic, negative self-talk, Feeling guilty or ashamed for having needs, rejecting praise
Self-doubt - indecision, insecurity
Self-blame
Self-shame - feeling guilt from the past
Self-sabotaging opportunities for success or achievement
Self-neglect - avoiding self-care or wellness, deprivation, Feeling guilty for taking care of oneself
It's important to note that these patterns can vary in intensity and presentation from person to person, and individuals may exhibit a combination of both safe and wounded inner child patterns.
When we view our patterns as incomplete responses or experiences seeking resolution, a lot can shift. Rather than a “problem” that needs to be stopped, our patterns are there to remind us to seek completion through connection.
"The wounded child inside many individuals is a hidden pain that shapes our adult lives, and unless we understand the past, we cannot understand the present."
Alice Miller
Re-Parenting Your Inner Child
These small, lost, and lonely parts of ourselves are afraid, anxious, and insecure, and that can make our lives miserable. However, there is hope. Inner child work, including self-parenting, can ease the pain and heal the wounds left behind by caregivers who were abusive and toxic.
Treating, healing and nurturing the inner child involves
creating a safe and supportive environment
fostering self-compassion, self-care, and emotional recovery.
addressing the “original pain,” from the past
allowing yourself to feel the repressed feelings in the present.
Usually, this work needs to occur from each stage of development, from infancy to teenager.
When we can see our patterns as possibly incomplete responses, or incomplete experiences yearning to manifest, we can honor ourselves and others in a much deeper way.
Ho'oponopono is a Hawaiian spiritual practice and healing philosophy that focuses on acceptance, forgiveness, and reconciliation. It emphasizes taking responsibility for one's thoughts, emotions, and actions. Forgive those who may have contributed to your inner child's wounds, understanding that this is for your own healing process, not to condone past actions.
In Ho'oponopono, the goal is to release negative energy and memories. Apply this concept to your inner child healing by releasing old wounds, beliefs, and patterns that no longer serve you. While these principles can be a valuable part of your healing journey, it's essential to tailor your approach to your unique needs and experiences.
Taking Responsibility
The first step in healing your inner child is to acknowledge it is there and that he or she is wounded. Accept the failures or misfortunes of your life and see them as a badge of honor showing your depth of character and wisdom. Recognize that your inner child's wounds are not your fault, but it is your responsibility to address and heal them as an adult. We are each responsible for our own healing journey.
To know where you're going you must first acknowledge where you are. Which type of trauma is yours? Own it!
Rejection Trauma
Abandonment Trauma
Betrayal Trauma
Injustice Trauma
"The wound is not your fault but the healing is your responsibility."
Journaling & Reflection
Engage in an inner dialogue with your inner child. Practice active listening to their responses, acknowledging their feelings, and validating their experiences. Ask questions like,
What do you need?
What can I do to help you heal?
What yearns for completion? For resolution?
What yearns for meeting, joining, being seen, being known, being safe?
What didn’t get to happen?
What happened that shouldn’t have?
What was almost but never was?
What is yearning but still not yet met?
Repeat Self-Love Affirmations
Regularly affirm your love, acceptance, and forgiveness for your inner child, fostering a sense of safety and self-compassion.
I love and care about you
I believe and trust you
You are worthy of love and respect
It's okay to express your emotions
I choose you every day
I will always guard and protect you
Positive energy nourishes my body and helps me radiate joy out to others
A peaceful, happy and abundant life is being created for me now
All my words, thoughts actions are divinely guided and protected
Every challenge in my path is an opportunity to grow and improve
My contributions to the wold are unique, valuable and meaningful
I deserve to feel comfortable, confident and safe in my body
I love and accept myself exactly the way I am
Practice Visualization
Use meditation to connect with your inner child, listen to their needs, and offer comfort and support. Visualize your inner child and imagine yourself extending compassion, and forgiveness to them.
Imagine that you take your inner child's hand and walk with them. Talk to them and ask how they're feeling. Let them reveal everything to you and then assure them they're safe, holding them close. Then see the two of you having fun singing, dancing, and playing. Then put them "back in your heart" and know that they are always held in love.
Embrace Forgiveness
First forgive YOURSELF for any self-blame, guilt, or shame you may carry from past experiences. Then, forgive your parents and caretakers for...
Raising you amidst their own unresolved trauma, pain, fears, and anxieties
Not having the capacity to understand you or meet your needs
Not teaching you specific skills, lessons or concepts because nobody taught them
Being emotionally unavailable because that's all they knew
Doing the best they could
Following cultural norms
"I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you."
Ceremonial Rituals
Rituals can remind you of your commitment to healing and provide a sense of ceremony and intention. Incorporate ceremonial rituals like lighting candles or creating altars to create a sacred space for your inner child healing work.
Seeking Connection
Humans are biologically hardwired for connection, and so many of us have interrupted experiences of connection at a very early age. So when we enter partnerships, friendships, and any type of connection with another human, it makes sense for all of the misattuned little parts to come back alive to seek attention.
When we enter relationships, what also enters are two small children tugging at one another saying ‘Look at the hurt I experienced! Notice what is incomplete within me! Help me mend my past pain!” These two inner children come together, both yearning for healing and completion.
While it isn't anyone's responsibility to mend another's inner child or past hurt, genuine loving connections have the ability to spark the deepest healing and repair.
"A child’s healthy growth depends on someone loving and accepting him unconditionally. When this need is met, the child’s energy of love is released so he can love others.”
John Bradshaw
Embarking on a journey of inner child healing can be a profound and transformative experience. And no two paths are the same. Inner child healing is a deeply personal and individual process that can take lots of time and energy. But rest assured, the rewards of your effort will be worth it!
It may seem scary at first, but remember, it's important to let go of the past to make space for a brighter future. Be patient, compassionate, and persistent as you work towards healing, and don't forget to seek support from friends, family, or professionals if you need it.
If you're ready to take the next step in this journey, exploring additional self-development and self-actualization tools can further guide you in aligning with your true self. Whether you choose to delve into the intricacies of your Human Design or prefer to seek balance through Feng Shui, creating harmonious spaces, inside and out, can support your inner growth. Reach out to us for personalized services, and let's continue to process of helping you blossom into the best version of yourself. I look forward to connecting with you soon.
Erin is a certified feng shui consultant, energy healer, wellness coach, and holistic growth strategist.
SUBSCRIBE NOW to receive short & sweet tips for intentional interiors, sustainable systems, and high-vibration, low-impact living - straight to your inbox! You can also stay connected on social media at the links below.