Self-Love: The Most Important Manifestation Tool of All
"When we love we always strive to become better than we are, when we strive to become better than we area, everything around us becomes better too."
Paulo Coelho
No matter how attuned and aligned your home is, the manifestation of true love and partnership actually begins on the inside. Once your space is in alignment to attract a partner, you can shift your focus to the most important foundation of all: your own heart.
First off, know that you don't need another person in your life to feel loved. As a matter of fact, you only attract love based on where you are vibrating within your self.
Overall there are three energies created and exchanged during a relationship: you, your partner, and your union.
Guess which should always come first? YOU!
It's imperative that you preserve and protect your own energy so that you can share the best of yourself with your partner, and the rest of the world.
In other words, you no longer need to search for what you thought was outside of you. YOU are what you need to complete your life. YOU are the answer. (Remember the mantra: "Me before We.")
Focus on the energy shift- the mentality and perspective for which you lead with, from a soul-level. This requires going underneath the surface - to the invisible, the subconscious, the heart, the mind - the TRUE thoughts, feelings, and intentions. And also filtering through the ego, agendas and projections for each person.
Because this is where the foundation of REAL and True Love is.
Self love is medicine. Learning to love ourselves is a radical act because it creates the foundation for all other types of love, and it builds our inner fortitude. Society tells us to put ourselves last. Sacrificing self-love under the guise of service to others is actually a disservice to everyone in our lives. It isn’t one or the other, it is both.
Love doesn't hurt people. Attachment does.
Robina Courtin
Unpacking Attachment
Attachment is the way in which we psychologically bond and connect to others. As humans we are wired for attachment. We cling to people, places, situations, ideas, thoughts, emotions, beliefs, outcomes - anything to fill our voids. But the world around us is meant to mutate, change, adapt, and flow. Nothing is permanent.
When our attachment system is impaired, it means that we don't bond well and, as a result, tend towards relationships that are:
Painful
Exhausting
Emotionally Volatile
Unstable
Unsustainable
Uhhealthy
Insecure, Fearful Attachment comes in many forms:
Expectations
Codependency
Pressure
Obsession
Clinginess
Control
Possessiveness
Chasing
Frustration
The highest form of love is unconditional love, and unconditional love requires no reciprocity.
The purpose of these feelings is to bind and tightly possess the other, to achieve security by preventing loss or even to punish the other for our own fear of loss. Because people intuitively pick up our wish to control or confine them, their natural response is to resist, to run for freedom. They will have. ainner impulse to withdraw and detach.
The only way to bring about relinquishment is to let go of wanting to influence in the first place. This means letting go of the inner fears as they arise
Your Wounds, vs Worthiness
Are you showing up in relationship from your worthiness, or your wound?
Something happens when you begin to heal your neglect wound. Instead of collecting evidence of your own unworthiness & constantly feeling like your lover isn’t doing enough, you are able to notice and feel them showing up for you - even if it didn’t seem that way before. You realize that they were doing their best all along, and you were unable to see it because you were so engulfed by an insatiable hunger for more.
Sometimes we are so consumed by a repetitive compulsion to heal our own wound, needing our partners to make up for what our early providers couldn’t do, we expect the impossible and we are unable to see the efforts that they are already making for us. This often leads to a behavior of clinging, striving to prove yourself, and demanding more than the other person is able or willing to give. It creates a lot of pressure!
That behavior only serves to push them away, once again confirming your belief that you are unlovable and unworthy, and that everyone will always leave.
When you make the shift to worthiness from within yourself by meeting your own neglected parts, you are able to recognize, receive, and appreciate your lovers in a way that you couldn’t when operating from your wound. That appreciation is far more motivating to your lover than the nagging of your hungry ghost!
That gaping wound may still show up in your body from time to time. But you no longer choose to believe that it means anything about you or about the person who you are unrealistically expecting to fix it for you. When you finally realize that you are in fact lovable, and perhaps you just had caretakers who were imperfect humans, you also realize that it wasn’t your fault but that your wounds led you to perpetuate behavior that pushes people away - because it sets them up to fail. And who wants to keep playing when you never let them win?
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Once these beliefs shift, then you are free to love without unrealistic demands or excessive neediness. Then your partner can meet you with the gift of their presence, rather than out of obligation to fill an endless void. Your partner will be relieved to meet you when you are relaxing into your essence in this way. This is what it looks like to love from your worthiness instead of your wound.
Typically there are little warning signs in the beginning of these karmic partnerships that we either don’t recognize or ignore, because we are letting our unconscious wounds lead us.
These wounds include
Low self worth
Codependency
Loneliness
Abandonment
Neglect
People that we are drawn to/are drawn to us from our wounds and through pain and heartbreak the gift they provide is clarity. These challenging relationships are meant to show us to our wounds that we need to address to be ready for the soulmate love we REALLY desire and deserve.
"Wounds are formed in the context of relationship, and wounds can be healed in the context of relationship. We are intelligently drawn to those who can heal us, those who will, knowingly or not, bring up the unmet, unloved, unseen parts of ourselves, inviting the darkness back into the light, calling us to evolve, to feel more fully, to speak out with greater conviction, to draw clearer boundaries, to know ourselves more deeply. To strengthen our relationship... with Life.
Jeff Foster
When our attachment system is working well, on the other hand, it means that we are capable of creating secure, stable, loving relationships.
There are many ways to heal your attachment system in preparation for a relationship. But we can't just go through the motions of self-improvement and think that's enough. We must actually change and transform on a deep, vibrational level.
When we focus our energy within, everything changes. When we connect with our own inner being and practice self-love, we are wiring new pathways which will become the foundation of the healthy, loving relationships that await us. When we exude positive, light-filled energy, we then attract the same
How can we protect ourselves from attachment?
1. RECOGNIZE it, name it, see it for what it is.
2. REPLACE the feeling with gratitude.
3. RE-FOCUS on self-love. When we turn our attention and focus inward, the less control something outside of us can have.
"It's always a story about LOVE. How to love yourself, how to love others and stay in the vibration of love, always."
Relationships as Mirrors
Humans who struggle in relationships with others often have poor relationships with themselves. To improve this we must be willing to change from the inside, out
face our shadows
heal our wounds
release our traumas
take full accountability
We must avoid seeing others as
a scapegoat to our problems
a commodity to control
a way to feel whole
"Being loved is the minimum. Make sure you're also being respected, prioritized, supported, desired and understood."
Your Inner Child
Our bodies and brains are wired for connection, but also for protection. Our past conditioning can severely limit the ways in which we approach new experiences and the world at large.
So many people go through their lives without being happy or truly in love.
We've settled for partners who are less than ideal out of fear of being alone or facing the unknown
We've trauma-bonded with low-vibrating spirits because we feel they need us or you need them in order to feel wanted. or worthy.
We daydream and fantasize about a more loving or more compatible partner but stay because we have a scarcity mindset or abandonment wounds you'd rather hold on than let go.
We suffer in relationships with others when we are suffering in the relationship with
ourselves. Think about all the times you may have betrayed yourself through behaviors of
manipulation
cheating
lying
abusing
shaming
judging
When we are unhappy. in ourselves, or disappointed in how our partners make us look or feel, then we project that onto our partners, which doubles the energy of pain and suffering.
Remember, ALL chemistry is, all attraction is, is programming. And that is ultimately either "worthy" or "unworthy." Like a drug, the initial chemistry and connection, or the long-term comfort and familiarity with someone can help you forget and mask your REAL wounds deep down inside. You continue to avoid and abandon your lifelong, unmet emotional needs because frankly, you don’t know how to fulfill those needs if you’ve never had them met before.
It's possible that if you didn’t get your emotional needs met as a child and you experienced any type of emotional neglect (invalidation, criticism, shaming and abandonment) you don’t know HOW to connect with your TRUE inner needs as an adult. This creates a void inside, because you disconnected from your emotional needs long ago as a form of survival..
Inside is a *wounded* inner-child who feels deeply unworthy, helpless, hopeless, powerless, lonely, ashamed and TERRIFIED of life and her inner self. And all this inner child needs LOVE! The purest and most unconditional love available.
STOP
Distracting yourself with everything external- shiny objects, shiny people and whoever or whatever can momentarily, temporarily validate and create a false sense of worth.
Staying stuck or entangled in painful dynamics, low value relationships, or toxic bonds. It's not in the hands of luck or divine timing. It's in the hands of you. Take your power back!
Approaching your Love Life from a highly distorted lens, based on the shadows of your past.
Trying to resolve your wounds through others, to overcome your negative beliefs through others, to prove your worth to others - energetically begging, chasing, wishing and hoping.
ALIGNED ACTION
Find a picture of yourself as a child and hang it somewhere visible. Every day tell her/him: “You are safe, lovable, smart, worthy….” Begin to rebuild a relationship with them through connection. Hypnosis and visualization works to deepen this connection as well.
"Remember that people will love to their level of self-love, communicate to their level of self-awareness, and behave to their level of healed trauma."
Ego-Love vs TRUE Love
Do you know how to love, and be loved? If not, you can learn!
It is extremely common for us as un-healed humans to believe someone can (and should) meet all our needs. When we project our unresolved traumas and insecurities onto our partners it ultimately results in control, judgement or shame - either from our partners or our selves. Ego love is based in the needs for comfort, safety, or praise and validation. It often results in dependency because there is insecure attachment from childhood wounds.
Authentic love, in comparison, is unconditional love. This means you require nothing in return for the embodying expression of love. No agenda, conditions, expectations, stipulations or judgements. You’ll feel free to express your needs and boundaries because there is mutual respect and admiration, even in the midst of difficult conversations or conflict.
An authentic relationship should not be a way to project your identity, control future outcomes, secure material resources or services, to fulfill obligation, to avoid guilt or fear of loneliness, to appease your need to be recognized, or to win or feel chosen. It will be about an eternal heart and soul connection, not about a temporary exchange or transaction. As we do the work, our relationships will shift. We'll begin to clear people from our lives that are ego-driven, and attract new, more authentic partners in their place.
With ego-based love we are attempting to gain worthiness through another. In contrast, true love embodies more mutuality, detachment and pure acceptance. May we resist this urge to possess our partners and instead learn to truly appreciate and celebrate them as they are.
"Love isn’t possession. Love is appreciation.”
GENUINE, CONSCIOUS, AUTHENTIC, TRUE, TRANSCENDENTAL LOVE/RELATIONSHIP:
Looks like: Acceptance, Respect, Appreciation, Presence, Encouragement, Patience, Vulnerability, Compassion, Responding, Healthy Detachment, Openness, Alertness, Attentiveness, Interdependence, Unconditional Love, Self Sovereignty
Results in: Empowerment, Trust, Growth, Autonomy, Feelings of Wholeness
UNCONSCIOUS, INAUTHENTIC, EGOIC, FALSE, LIMITED LOVE/RELATIONSHIP
Looks like: Attachment, Anger, Resentment, Blaming, Complaining, Possession, Dependence, CoDependence, Need, Frustration, Control, Fear, Worry, Over-support, Commodification, Self-Protection, Reacting, Comparison, Competition, Dominance, Enmeshment, Conditions, Self Sacrifice, Self Abandonment, People Pleasing, Coercion, Restriction, Expectations, Demands, Threats
Results in: Stagnation, Resentment, Feelings of Insecurity or Inadequacy, Helplessness, Energy Depletion, Withdrawal/Avoidance
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"The three predominant states of egoic relationships are: wanting, thwarted wanting and indifference... The ego either wants something, or if it believes there is nothing to get from the other, it is in a state of utter indifference: It doesn't care about you...A genuine, authentically loving relationship is one that is not dominated by the ego with its image-making and self-seeking."
Eckhart Tolle
When we love, we let our partners grow and learn at their own pace and rhythm, with no pressure, expectations or timelines.
Taking control and helping too much takes away our partners divine right to sovereignty and the opportunity to learn what they need to learn in this lifetime. When we "take over" the reigns then often don’t have the incentive to do the inner work that their soul really wants them to do.
To truly make. positive difference in someone's life visualize them in perfect health and happiness, with the situation resolved in a beautiful way without focusing on the details. Remind both of your energy/soul systems that they are exactly where they're supposed to be on their evolutionary journey.
This is a lifelong practice of letting go and embodying love, light, hope, healing for all. Now just imagine how much more helpful this is for you, them, and the rest of humanity on an evolutionary level.
To L.O.V.E means to 'Let Others Voluntarily Evolve.'
Self-Love is Self-Healing
We learn through individual experiences but also through the lens and reflection of others.
Self love is loving yourself and it is the foundation of all manifestation in life, not just our future partnerships.
So what is Self-Love and what does it look like? Self-love is how you feel about yourself, how you treat yourself. It looks a lot like what goes into being a great partner to someone else, except instead of focusing externally you are focused inward!
In order to get to the root of our relational attachment patterns we need to unveil and confront our darker sides and get to know ourselves on the most primitive and foundational level. Energy healers refer to this as "shadow work" and can result in the opportunity to reveal the patterns of your subconscious which lead to self-sabotage and limiting behaviors or beliefs.
Other modalities of energy work such reiki, EFT and embodiment can assist in this cleansing. We also can heal our energy/spirit through restorative activities like time in nature, creative arts, and meditation. All of these can allow us to live as our true, authentic selves and reach our full potential.
Another aspect of healing is inner child work. If we avoid healing our childhood wounds: always needing to manage them in order to feel safe, we experience a constant ache of pain, emptiness, depression, anxiety, restlessness, always fearing abandonment and seeking safety.
This may also manifest as an inability to trust or receive love, toxic relationships, trauma bonding, and dysfunctional patterns. Essentially we act as a child in an adult's body.
By "re-parenting" your wounded inner child, our hearts become open and we feel whole from the inside out. We are able to experience stable and secure love, to trust our self and the universe.
How do you know if you need to heal? Look at how you respond if someone you care about expresses their love to you. Notice...
Does your body soften and open?
Do you get pleasurable sensations?
Does it light you up and excite you?
Or do you brush it off or dismiss it with self-deprecating comments, laughter or by changing the subject?
Do you want to lean in and explore it more, or contract and run away?
Do you gain interest or suddenly feel disinterested in them?
Cultivate and practice the following Foundations of Self-Love in order to love yourself greatly, and call in great love of your own.
Healing is not about becoming the best version of yourself. It is about allowing the worst version of yourself to be loved.
SELF-AWARENESS
Our ancestral/patriarchal and early childhood wounds determine our internal programming surrounding issues of trust, respect and communication, which directly influences our attachment styles in our adult relationships. As the ego (both individual and collective) will inevitably step in to protect and guard our hearts from that same pain, shame, and rejection of our past, this can create insecurities and energetic blocks in our nervous system which contribute to unstable or dysfunctional relationship patterns, also known as your "attachment style". This can manifest as
low self-worth
codependent behaviors
domination/control
criticism
manipulation
blame
gaslighting
defensiveness
overfunctioning
avoidance
anxiousness.
The good news? Awareness is the first step to any positive change!
"The one thing that you have that no one else has is YOU. Your voice, your mind, your story, your vision. So write, draw, build, play, dance. Live as only YOU can."
Neil Gaiman
SELF-EXPLORATION
We spend so much time focusing on getting to know our partner but how about really getting to know ourselves? Spending the time to really explore who we are, what we like, how we self sabotage and the core beliefs that influence how we interpret the world around us can be an incredibly valuable process.
Self exploration gives us insight into our preferences and patterns as well as the things we love, the things that help us self soothe and those that bring us joy
Helpful things to know about yourself:
Your core values
Your attachment style
Your love languages
Your traumas, triggers or pet-peeves
Your survival or self-protection response
Your self-soothing behaviors
Your turn-ons
Your hopes, dreams, desires
Your likes, dislikes,
Your hobbies, interests
SELF-UNDERSTANDING
Another framework for self-understanding is through our natal charts, knowing our astrology and Human Design. Learn your Type, Strategy, Authority, Profile and Definition to stay in alignment with your truest, most authentic energy and life purpose. You can also become aware of your Channels which will come into play in compatibility with others.
Compromise
Dominance
Friendship
Electromagnetism/Attraction
SELF-ACCEPTANCE
True energetic recalibration occurs when you begin living in absolute authenticity and flow. For that to happen we must first see, accept and embrace ourselves exactly as we are made physically and emotionally. We can be flawed, messy and imperfect "works in progress" and yet still absolutely deserving of love, joy and abundance. From there we can begin to accept others exactly as they are too. We begin to meet people where they are now, not where we want them to be. And ultimately in that acceptance we gain the wisdom and courage to walk away from those who lower our vibration, who drain or deplete our energy. It will always be purely up to the other person to change, when, if and how they want to, or sometimes not at all! Bottom line: you dont have to be perfect in order to be loved.
If you are neurodivergent, then Self-Acceptance is even more important. You have greater sensory needs and communication preferences. You are wired differently and beautifully, but will inevitably experience more misunderstanding and misalignment than most. You process and experience information AND emotions differently.
Understanding neurodivergent love languages in yourself and others can enhance communication, foster mutual understanding and respect, leading to more meaningful connections and strengthened relationships.
Instead of Conventional Words of Affirmation: Info Dumping: Sharing extensive information, facts, and feelings all at once.
Instead of Conventional Giving Gifts: Penguin Pebbling: Gifting small items or trinkets as a unique way of expressing care.
Instead of Conventional Quality Time: Parallel Play: Engaging in parallel activities alongside others, providing a sense of connection without constant communication.
Instead of Physical Touch: Deep Pressure: Seeking comfort and sensory regulation through deep pressure sensations like hugs or weighted blankets.
Instead of Acts of Service: Support Swapping: Providing and receiving support, sharing resources, and emotional validation within relationships.
Another wonderful modality for self-acceptance is the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), or Tapping.
Tap the meridians of your body while repeating the following affirmation:
"Even though I feel...(Unwell, Unsure, Frusterated, Scared, Insecure, Lost, Stuck, etc), I fully and deeply love and accept myself"
"Love yourself first so that you can fully love others."
Sunita Rai
SELF-RESPECT
Take time to get clear about what your needs and desires are, what your boundaries, non-negotiables are, and what you're willing to compromise on. And then OWN IT! You, and only you, can determine what your truth is and where your comfort zone lies - what you tolerate, what your limits, preferences, standards and expectations are. YOU decide what is realistic and reasonable. Do not disrespect yourself by compromising your boundaries or settling for mediocrity or the bare minimum. Making yourself small or minimizing our own needs, wants and desires will always leave us feeling unmet, unfulfilled and unsatisfied. Without healthy boundaries we may have difficulty saying no, and giving and taking appropriately. This may manifest as codependence, enmeshment, approval-seeking/people-pleasing. avoidance, exerting control. We lose ourselves and self-betray or self-abandon altogether - unable to know ourselves as separate from another.
In contrast when we honor our needs we open the opportunity to be met fully. With healthy boundaries we're able to feel as independent beings, we say yes and no appropriately, and can maintain an equal connection to others and Self simultaneously. With healthy boundaries we have healthy inner peace.
SELF-SOVEREIGNTY
It's perfectly normal and natural to crave a partnership but the danger lies when that desire becomes desperation, as that creates an energy based in fear, not love. Aim to feel balanced, whole and complete regardless of your relationship status. Strive to fill your life with such joy and fulfillment that a partner simply becomes an added bonus. The right partner will add value and peace to our life. Focus on building multiple inter-dependent support systems and honoring your best interests, following your own highest good so that you are stable and content no matter who comes and goes in your life. Find acceptance, ease and comfort in your solitude while gently holding space for connection if/when that someone special comes along.
The fear of being alone is really the fear of being with yourself, your mind. For those who have done the inner work, solitude is one of the greatest joys.
Get comfortable being alone so that you know you're choosing someone out of love, not lonliness.
SELF-COMPASSION
Each day try to reflect on what you did well, and what you could do better. Instead of criticizing, comparing, shaming or judging yourself when you make a mistake or slip into old patterns, simply extend heart-felt forgiveness. Extend validation or accountability when needed, and move forward without the urge to gaslight yourself. Remember, you are never too much (needy, intense, demanding, crazy,) etc. Stop trying to make the wrong people love you the right way!
SELF-VALIDATION
As you become aware of how your issues are related to your past experiences, validate, validate, validate. Why is this essential to your healing? Because If you don’t self-validate, you’ll be bringing your heavy validation-seeking self to anyone who will listen to you or offer their approval. If you thoroughly self-validate on a daily basis, you can ask others for periodic emotional support, and it'll be a request, not. a demand from a place of need or desperation. You'll feel stronger and more capable, and loved ones can be there for you in a healthy, balanced way.
When you hear yourself spiraling into negative self-talk, or saying something you believe and wish you didn’t, instead of shaming or shutting yourself down, remind yourself that it's acceptable, understandable and ok to feel that way. (I.E “Of course I’m overwhelmed/sad/frustrated etc... and that's ok”) Speak to your inner child who is seeking comfort and safety! The more compassion and understanding you have for it, (and thus the less resistance) the easier that feeling will release and pass through.
All. of your emotional experiences are valid. It's ok to feel alone, rejected, abandoned, lost, confused, frustrated, afraid, ashamed, guilty, angry. Dont judge these as wrong. All of it is part of your ascension process. All that happened or. is happening now is divinely meant to be.
SELF-PLEASURE
Focus on the lost art of pleasure and play in order to access your divine feminine and masculine energies. In learning how to improve the way we treat and carry ourselves, we influence how others and the world treat us too. Of course this goes beyond basic "self-maintenance"- tending to the simplest needs of food, clothing, and shelter which allow us to feel grounded and safe in our physical bodies (AND are the foundation of our mental health too). It's important to also look for activities that stimulate the senses, ignite creativity or inspire mindful presence. Follow what feels good, and get curious about what doesn't. Any activity that is not achievement/goal-oriented, that allows you to simply feel the richness of Being, is great practice for starting new relationships and navigating intimacy later on.
SELF-EXPRESSION
What lights you up? What fuels you? What fills your cup? Share these gifts, talents and skills with others. The world needs your offerings, your energy. This is your LOVE to GIVE! Spread it far and wide. Be who you are and do what you love - unscripted, unmasked, uninhibited, uncensored. Our truest, genuine selves crave the opportunity to express the words and actions that are authentic, pure and from the heart. From there we seek similar feelings of freedom in our partners - someone who can truly know us, see us, hear us, understand us and cherish us. Someone who allows us to feel safe enough to completely be our authentic selves is perhaps the ultimate aphrodisiac.
Another aspect of self-expression is in practicing vulnerability, feelings and your inner world. When we hide our true selves or only project a certain version externally, we can feel chronically unseen and unheard, misunderstood, and resentful. Once we reveal ourselves then our whole self can show up, we are free to express our emotions and thoughts.
"Whenever you feel desperate to be chosen, it's a deep calling to choose yourself"
Tory Elleto
SELF-BELIEF
What do you allow for yourself? What do you feel worthy of? Do you welcome abundance in all areas? Remember that you are deserving of soul-shaking, life-affirming, life-expanding "storybook love" ...in the past, present and future - regardless of your journey. You deserve a connection which won't ever require you to downplay or dilute your personality or suppress your needs, feelings or thoughts. You deserve devotion, communication, commitment, and complete reciprocity.
Cultivate self-esteem and be your biggest fan and cheerleader. Believe in yourself! Believe that you are amazing, beautiful, capable and valuable. Celebrate your wins and successes - big and small. Honor your strengths. It's ok to be proud of yourself and toot your own horn! Your opinion about yourself is the only opinion that matters. Talk to, and about yourself with the utmost LOVE and respect. Aligned action: mirror work - with a candle and rose quartz, look into your own eyes every morning and talk to yourself. what do you need to hear? if you were speaking to a best friend or a younger you, what would you say? this is a powerful daily practice that allows you to speak directly to your subconscious and inner child.
I love myself unconditionally.
I accept all parts of myself.
I treat myself with respect and dignity.
I believe in myself wholeheartedly.
A common mistake is feeling deserving from the head instead of the heart. They affirm they deserve more—but they’re not embodying the ENERGY of deserving from within.
When you truly feel deserving you are taking ALIGNED ACTION towards your desire. You are inspired, empowered, confident and fearless.
"I have come to this planet to learn to love myself more, and to share that love with all those around me."
Louise Hay
SELF-TRUST
Developing self-trust is essentially about building a better relationship with yourself. It’s about showing yourself compassion, listening to yourself and giving yourself the space you need to heal, process or grow. Feel your feelings, honor your inner critic, stick to routines and goals, develop your intuition. Also extend trust to your spirit guides and the divine timing of the universe. Everything is happening right on schedule. Trust that your wishes are heard, and that they - or something even better- will be granted.
SELF-REGULATION
Without a regulated nervous system we are tense, easily triggered and experience a life of highs and lows. Anger, jealousy, anxiety, resentment, avoidance, fear, collapse, closure, contraction. When we are dysregulated our nervous system is hypervigilant and constantly on the lookout for potential threats, what can or will go wrong. And when we are in this state, we are emotionally closed, energetically unable to receive love, pleasure, or abundance. In contrast With a regulated nervous system we are stable and secure: relaxed, joyful, open-hearted, curious, playful, engaged. When we are healed we are open to receiving all that life has to offer, as much or more as we give.
Dr. Pooja Lakshmi
SELF-CARE
Are you taking care of yourself, mind body and spirit? Practice speaking your "Love Language" to yourself! These are often the things that we crave the most from our partners, but neglect in ourselves, leading to habitual self-sabotaging, self-destructive or self-loathing behaviors or coping/protection mechanisms.
Physical Touch - massage, soft fabrics, exercise, skin spa treatments, masturbation, good nutrition and hydration, baths, pampering.
Words of Affirmation - positive self-talk, journaling, mantras, self-praise, gratitude lists, motivational speaking
Acts of Service - scheduling, cleaning, decluttering, coordinating, delegating, therapy, budgeting, habit tracking, donating to charity, volunteering
Gifts - vacations, flowers, books, adornments, housewares, treats, subscriptions, experiences. investing in hobbies or projects
Quality Time - nature walk, meditation, creative arts, learning, hobbies, lounging, tv or movies.
Prioritizing your mental and physical health through stress management and other positive lifestyle habits will reap endless rewards in all areas of your life - career, wealth, and of course- your relationships!
"When we love, we strive to become better than we are. When we become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too."
Paolo Coelho
Types of radical self-care practices:
PHYSICAL- rest, stillness, deactivation, unapologetic boundaries
SPIRITUAL. - shadow work, inner child healing/reparenting, ritual and ceremony
EMOTIONAL - self-understanding, self-exploration
MENTAL - digital detox, presence, mindfulness
Lastly, self-care won't always feel good. Sometimes acting in the best interest of your future is the best self-care of all. This means delayed gratification, sitting with uncomfortable emotions long enough to reflect and heal, and being grateful for where you are now, even if its not where you want to be.
SELF-MASTERY
Focus on becoming your Highest Self - the best version of you, inside and out. When you embody happy, secure attachment and emotional maturity, then you will attract equally happy, secure and mature partners and partnerships. Through your everyday relationships (with family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, your spirit guides/angels/ancestors and most importantly- yourself) you can actively practice being that perfect partner you desire.
Are you honest about your toxic habits and actively working to overcome them?
Are you putting yourself in places and spaces that challenge and elevate you?
Do you focus on the journey, not the on the destination?
Do you deeply know yourself, all of your strengths and shadows?
Do you set healthy boundaries, even to ones close to u
Do you invest in selfcare?
Are you seeking feedback as a tool for growth?
Do you trust yourself? Are you consistent and reliable? Do you keep promises to yourself?
What is your inner monologue when you make a mistake?
Are you kind and forgiving of yourself and others?
Do you compliment yourself?
Do you enjoy your own company and go on solo adventures?
Do you set boundaries with yourself and honor them?
Do you support the choices you make?
Do you honor your emotions?
Do you support yourself by listening, sharing, engaging, sharing and validating?
Do your actions match your words? Are you clear and transparent?
Do you have a growth mindset and prioritize personal development?
Do you get curious in conflict - regulating and responding instead of reacting?
Do you strive to look and see with your heart, and not your eyes?
Start with you, then expand out from there. Embody someone who is able to listen, engage, share, and support themselves and those around them. so that your partner can be their best self too!
"Unconditional love is, by definition, divinely, inconceivably, audaciously free. Love always loves."
Love By Design
Part of self-love is self-understading. The system of Human Design can be a great tool for increasing awareness about one's self and thus support you in finding the most aligned partners.
In Human Design there are ten unique gates that determine your dominant themes in how you experience love and relationships. If you have any of these gates defined, it will tell you a little more about what your definition of Love is and how you will best feel loved from a partner (or yourself). When these gates are defined and hanging, you will be very attracted to people who have the connecting gates.
Transcendent/ Impersonal Gates are looking for extraordinary, soulful experiences with other people. These gates are looking to experience universal love, physical love, collective love, and vibrancy through partnership.
10 Gate of Self Behavior is love for oneself, and all of the ups and downs life. They love feeling alive and making others feel equally alive
25 Gate of Self Spirit is love for universal unconditional love.
15 Gate of Extremity is. a love for all humanity, and thus the concept of love itself.
46 Gate of Self-Determination is love of the body, the human form.
Mundane/ Personal Gates are looking for dynamic co-creation, connection and unique expression through partnerships. These gates are looking to create something unique and beautiful with the support of a loving partner.
10 Gate of Self Behavior is a true love of life. At its best, it is also self-love. Usually such people just need to have someone who loves them in order to increase their self-esteem and self worth.
44 Gate of Vigilance is a love of talent and recognition. and success.
40 Gate of Loneliness is an altruistic love of working, going above and beyond for the good of a partner. They often need material goods in order to exchange them for the care and affection of their partner.
58 Gate of Vitality is corrective, almost nagging or controlling love. It is constant pressure to criticize in order to improve or fix your partner.
41 Gate of Compression is sex and desire and fantasy, as well as loving and accepting all of the imperfections of your partner,
28 Player’s Gate is the love of purpose, feeling useful, helpful and needed., tus always working towards a goal.
55 Spirit Gate is the only love gate located in the emotional center. This is a striving for "movie love" a perfection that can never be achieved, but they're always looking for new definitions and experiences of love.
If you have one of these gates in an Open center, when someone comes along with the electromagnetic (the opposite gate completing that channel) you may experience that relationship as “The One” and most likely may feel a stronger sensation of love than the other feels for you.
If you have one of these gates in a Defined center, your electromagnetic experience will be milder and more subtle as you're naturally going to be investigating other connectivities.
Other Human Design components for Love & Compatability:
Those with Split Definition are the most equipped to be in a relationship and to really make partnership work because it truly provides a sense.of wholeness for them. Other types (single definition, triple split and quad) will have much harder times in conventional relationships simply because they're not wired for it.
Relationships between people with very different Circuitry can therefore be very difficult because they have different inherent needs and tendencies.
While traditional astrology can provide valuable insight into your longterm compatibility and connection with someone, Human Design is more of a tool for understanding each other. In reality, any combination of charts can be a "perfect match" as long as both parties enter into it from a place of authenticity and alignment (aka listening to their strategy & authority) and openness (a willingness to accept the other person as they are). The manifestation of a person's gates, channels and centers will create various defining dynamics between couples:
Compromise & Boundary Setting - Those with openness will feel natural tension to be aware of.
Dominant - Those with definition will naturally take the lead.
Companionship - Those with the same definition will feel harmonious, or in some situations competition.
Magnetic - Those with opposite but complementary gates will feel a powerful attraction, or in some situations triggers.
"Love is easy when you are coming from a place of non-attachment and interdependence...
True love must be free... The less you cling to love, the more you’ll realize that you never owned it in the first place. It was never a thing that could be owned. It could only have ever been free, or it was never really love at all. Let’s learn to BE Love in the face of expectation. Let’s BE Love despite the love that thinks it needs validation. Let’s BE Love even when others cannot. Love authentically, let others love the way they must love, and then let go of your ego’s attachment to love. Do this, again and again, and the capacity for self-actualized love will not elude you."
Gary Z McGee
Self-Love Reminders & Rituals
Other ways to call in love...
GET CLEAR
Make a list of qualities in your ideal partner, and another list of characteristics for your ideal relationship dynamic. Include a list of WANTS, one of NEEDS. and put a star next to any of these that are non-negotiable. Use these lists as your guiding compass, honoring it as your core truth. Think of these as requests, not requirements - and also recognize which originate from the Ego's need to feel safe or comfortable.
Once you can narrow down your list to the essentials from your purest/highest self, use them in your daily meditation ceremonies and monthly moon rituals. Lastly, rather than obsessing on these lists and what's missing/lacking, shift focus on what you DO have in life. You must be willing to fully let go of your own best-laid plans and be open to something even better coming along.
PROTECT YOUR ENVIRONMENT
Surround yourself with people, places and things that make you feel your best and the most you 🌟 release the things that drain your energy leave you in doubt or feeling less than. your outer reality and inner world mirror eachother. start to shift your environment and watch what shifts internally ❣️
RELAX TO ATTRACT
Detach from all of your rigid plans and perceived outcomes in life as these are a form of limiting belief. Divine Source/ Spirit is the ultimate intelligence and has a better, bigger plan for us than we could ever conceive. Practice outrageous openness to all possibilities, having an abundance mindset about how, when, where you'll meet your future partner, who they'll be, or what your relationship will look and feel like. Loosely hold, not grip, from your visions and control. Allow and welcome in both the beautiful and perfect, AND the unexpected or uncomfortable. Surrender, accept and flow, not insist, resist or force. Embrace the void, hold still, dwell in the unknown, ground in gratitude, and wait with patience for life's magic to unfold.
RELEASE THE PAST
Now is the time to stop idolizing and fantasizing about past lovers, clinging to old memories, pining for reconciliation, or holding them as your strict standard for every partner you meet moving forward. Also let go of all of the negative memories and attachments to the people, fears, traumas, losses, heartbreak, struggles and stories that carry toxic feelings of resentment, betrayal or victimhood. It is safe to let down your guard and start a fresh new day, to write a new narrative for the future.
WELCOME THE TRIAD
A successful, sustainable relationship is a complicated mix of the superficial/external/practical/logistical and the spiritual/internal factors, many of which are completely out of your control. It is rare and magical gift for all of these to fall in alignment AND to be fully reciprocal!
FIT - a harmonious union of energies
Chemistry - natural electricity/magnetism, sensorial, pheromonal
Compatibility - ease, flow, complementary energies, values, goals, lifestyles
Commitment - readiness, willingness
FEELING - a connection in mind/body/spirit
Lust - an attraction, an interest, a thrill, fades over time
Like - an affinity, intimacy, shared vulnerabilities, connection, can endure over time
Love - a choice, an act, sensuality, can grow over time
FATE - timing
This being said, also remember that you attract what you need. So sometimes you may attract someone who is not necessarily the most vibrationally compatible because the Universe is using them as a vessel to help you learn a lesson for your highest good. It's often impossible to know what this lesson is without the perspective of time and experience. Trust that all will work out as its supposed to.
REMEMBER YOUR WHY
Why is LOVE so important? Because You, your partner, your network, your community, THE WORLD all become better when you radiate and spread the energy of love. Love is the most transformative and healing energy in the universe.
Life is meant to be a shared experience, and because of this innate pull so many of us romanticize the concept of love, and the idea of a perfect partnership. In reality there is no perfect partner, so attracting that special someone should not be about "the destination" - it should be about a JOURNEY of learning and growth in contributing to your soul's evolution.
True love is a healing and uplifting force which trickles out and everywhere. As such, it's always worth prioritizing.and waiting for. Relationships have the power to evolve ourselves and our species, Imagine the impact the kind of deep love has when it ripples in yourself and out into the whole world.
"Don't confuse having less for being less, having more for being more, or what you have with who you are."
DATE YOURSELF
This sounds cheesy, but it works! Put it on your weekly calendar to take yourself out, do the things you love, make dinner and dance in your kitchen, you get the idea! Pamper yourself. You deserve it!
WALK TALL
Tune into your body and bring your awareness into your spine. Your spinal column is the first place where you can begin to tune into the abundance of life within you. It is the power column that carries you through the world and dictates how you meet new opportunities. Feel the currents of prosperity flowing through your central nervous system, feeding your brain, softening your heart, and aligning you with your highest destiny.
The spine governs all your physical presence and movements - from standing to walking to running. It holds strength with flexibility and firmness with flow- which is a metaphor for ease in our approach to life. A healthy spine aligns your subtle bodies, deepens your breathing, and helps you feel capable of dealing with any challenge life throws at you.
As you empower yourself to fulfil your unique path to prosperity, abundance and love, so you will awaken the power of your spine. You will walk taller and feel stronger, calmer, and clearer.
If my energy doesn't wake you up, I'm not for you.
If my mind doesn't inspire you, don't force connection.
If my thought doesn't make you think deeper, it makes no sense to keep me in mind.
If my passion doesn't move you, then it's better to change direction.
If my presence doesn't help you evolve, my absence certainly will.
If my love doesn't open your heart permanently, another love will.
Go and find what makes your being vibe, don't even stop to look behind you.
One of the greatest acts of love is letting go. Vibration doesn't lie. Trust your process."
Alejandro Jodorowsky
TAKE YOUR TIME
Even if you realize that you don't need to settle, it's easy to be drawn to, and fall for, all of the superficial, surface-level qualities and energies that someone brings: flowy words, affectionate touch, emotional intimacy, chemistry, physical attraction, and optics/appearances.
Like a drug, the initial chemistry and connection with someone can help you quickly forget and mask your REAL wounds deep down inside. It's important to not “rush” to fill a sense of emptiness inside, with the short-term, intoxicating pleasure of ‘falling in love’ and that excitement and passion you feel at the possibility, when you meet someone new. Inside could be. a *wounded* inner-child who doesn't feel seen, heard, or taken care of.
Bottom line: Your truest, most precious, important inner needs must be understood and prioritized in order to be met. Don't give your heart away until they prove they're emotionally The One!
JOURNALING & REFLECTION
Therapeutic writing is a powerful tool for increasing self-awareness, self-love and self worth.
Self-Love Scrapbook. You can use a traditional journal, or create. a self-love "scrapbook" to use whenever you're feeling low. Include awards, letters, notes, text convos and memories from the past that make you feel most proud, strong and confident. and grateful. . Make a list of 5 strengths or unique qualities that set you apart from others. These can be physical traits, skills, or aspects of your personality. For each one, write about a time that you’ve shown up with that quality and describe how amazing it felt to embody that energy. It can also be a place to honor past fears or challenges you overcame.
Journaling prompts can help you dig deeper, getting to the bottom of your core beliefs about who you are, as well as exposing the subconscious fears that are preventing you from showing up as your best self. Answer these questions in your journal as if they were being asked by a close friend who loves you unconditionally and wants to help you get curious about how you perceive yourself.
Write down the characteristics of your ideal self. What are the specific fears and self-doubts that make you feel like you’re not that person?
When did you start to believe those things? Try to pinpoint each one to a specific event or moment in your life. These can be beliefs you’ve inherited from your family or culture when you were a child, or beliefs that you picked up in early adulthood.
Write a brief letter to that past disempowered version of you and empower them to feel good about themselves. For each of their limiting beliefs, remind them that it’s not based in reality—it’s just a fear—and create a list of 3 pieces of evidence that contradict or challenge it.
"To love is, first of all, to accept ourselves as we are."
Thich Nhat Hahn
AFFIRMATIONS
ALIGNED ACTION: Make a list of 5 affirmations that encapsulate your top strengths and represent beliefs that you CHOOSE to have about yourself. Write them down on Post-It notes and stick them everywhere you’ll see them often to remind you that this is your new self-concept.
Some other examples of empowering affirmations are below.
I love and accept myself fully
I am enough exactly as i am
I protect my powerful energy
I am the creator of my reality
I am connected to the divine
I am doing the best I can with what i have
I manifest abundance in all areas of life, in all ways
I embrace change and uncertainty
I have come so far in my growth and learning
The universe, spirit and source are always supporting me
My heart and intuition knows best
My needs matter
My touch and loving presence is healing for others
Every day I am becoming a better person
Its ok to feel uncomfortable, and anytime I can choose a better feeling though
MEDITATION & MINDFULNESS
Meditation doesn't have to be the stereotype of stillness and quiet. Anytime you go into. a FLOW state, living purely in present and energy of creation or observation, can induce healing vibrations. Examples: dance, art, crafts, nature observation, music, gardening.
We can begin embodying love by practicing the following love prayer on ourselves ("May I"). Until we are able to love and take care of ourselves, we cannot be much help to others. After that, we practice it on others ("May he/she/they") - someone we like, someone neutral to us, and even on someone who makes us suffer.
'May I be peaceful, happy, and light in body and spirit.
May I be safe and free from injury.
May I be free from anger, afflictions, fear and anxiety.
May I learn to look at myself with the eyes of understanding and love.
May I be able to recognize and touch the seeds of joy and happiness in myself.
May I learn to identify and see the sources of anger, craving, and delusion in myself.
May I know how to nourish the seeds of joy in myself every day.
May I be able to live fresh, solid, and free.
May I be free from attachment and aversion, but not indifferent.'
~Thích Nhất Hạnh
The Takeaway
Taking one step in the direction of your own heart is a brave act. Let this be your encouragement to begin, or to keep going on your self-love journey!
When we can accept and honor ourselves unconditionally, then we can accept and honor others unconditionally too.
It's time to start
Loving and valuing yourself - flaws and wounds and all, ensuring you allow yourself to be open the most eligible, highly-suited, relationship-worthy partner.
Truly knowing your worth, knowing how you DESERVE to be treated, treasured and cherished in Love, and how you deserve integrity, authenticity and realness! And this MUST be *earned* over time. It can't be *given* freely and quickly.
Deeply trusting and valuing yourself. Because when you are grounded in your own worth, you feel more confident and secure to be loved for exactly who you are and start attracting the partner who will deeply love you for ALL of you.
Reclaiming the divine feminine goddess power current running through you.
"The Self Love you think you are looking for is not love of self, or for self - but love that IS self. There is a difference between loving me and being me who loves. It is being 'me who loves' that is really you.
I love the feeling of loving you, and how you feel about me is irrelevant."
Abraham Hicks
When we radiate self-love and self-worth, we strengthen our energetic vibrations from the inside, out. Then the universe will begin to mirror our high frequencies back to us by delivering people, opportunities, situations, and surroundings which serve our higher purpose.
Yes, you can attract true love and light, along with an abundance of wealth, health, happiness, peace, and protection. Yes, you are worthy of having it ALL.
True love is generated from within. For true love to be there, you need to feel complete in yourself, not needing something from outside. True love is like the sun, shining with its own light, and offering that light to everyone.
Thich Nhat Hanh
Erin is a certified feng shui consultant, energy healer, wellness coach and holistic growth strategist.
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